Is there anyone on Earth who can say with the utmost confidence that all his relationships are well managed and perfect? Well, if you leave some of the delusional ones, then nobody can possibly claim this. But can you say that you always put in your 100% in every relationship? Of course yes. You can very well say that.
Basically, our goal is to maintain harmony and serenity in all the relationships a person can have but the way the structure is set in today’s world, it looks almost next to impossible to balance out each and every relationship all the time.
If you give time to your gf, your mother and sister seem left out; when you decide to become a dedicated family guy, your love life becomes dull; if you are a hardcore romantic kind of guy, your friendships take a toll and if you are a career-oriented guy, then hahaha, you know what I am talking about!
The Infinite Bucket List in Relationships
Everyone comes with their own bucket list, which they want YOU to fulfill in order to keep the relationship going. What happens next when you accomplish an expectation of somebody who’s close to you? Do they become satisfied with you for the rest of their lives?
Instead, the exact opposite happens. Their demands and expectations increase at a meteoric level, which is why I call it the “Infinite Bucket List”.
If you fulfill your husband’s one wish, so does he go like, “Oh wonderful! I have got the ideal wife”, or does the list keep on expanding in perpetuity?
Is this the solution then? Because there is literally no end to expectations. It should be crystal clear to us that it is impossible to bring to fruition the expectations of everyone at a given time. The other thing to remember is that it is also impossible to completely satisfy the expectations of even a single person in your lifetime.
It has been said time and time again, that a person’s needs can be met from the resources available in this world.
There is enough food available to meet everyone’s hunger. There is enough land to provide shelter for everyone. Needs can be achieved with a snap of your fingers. But to accomplish all the expectations or desires of even a single person; even the whole universe would fall short.
Desires are infinite and unattainable whereas needs are finite and attainable entirely.
DESIRES VS NEEDS
We need to understand the variance between the two in order to not suck at relationships. So, start looking at what the other person is asking for; is that a need or just a whim/desire.
The difference between an unrealistic desire and a realistic need should be very clear because we are dealing at the level of the mind here.
If we are dealing at the level of materialistic reality then there everything is possible. But here we are dealing with humans, and at the level of human psychology, there are things that are just not possible. Psychologically satisfying someone is a daunting task that is not in your control.
The materialistic level is relatively easy. Earning money, $10 million, $1 Billion. These are achievable goals. Small house, big house. Small car, sports car; these are possible.
But for someone who puts the entire responsibility of her happiness in your tiny hands, then things start getting a little out of control.
The happiness you provide can be temporary, like when you gift someone or throw them a party or take them to an amazing dinner; but it is not absolute or permanent. It isn’t gonna last for long, no matter how hard you try. Only the partner himself can ensure his own happiness.
If someone wants to change THEIR life, then it’s very important for THEM to understand that no one, including YOU, can change THEIR lives, but THEY themselves.
Just like I can neither control nor change your lives with my thoughts, similarly, the people you are in a relationship with, cannot be controlled or transformed by you.
So, what to do? You gotta change yourself. Can you do that? SURE, YOU CAN! You have to if you don’t wanna be suckered anymore.
Start paying attention to the Right Thing to direct your energy in the Right Direction and to ask the Right Questions
You won’t ask questions like, “oh my parents, wife, friends are not supporting me, I am helpless, what to do?”. Stop acting like a wuss.
I know what you guys expect when you ask questions like those. You are looking for someone who sympathizes with your situation, to tell you that you are absolutely right and your parents are horribly wrong.
It is absolutely possible that your parents are right and you are terribly wrong, but since we always focus on the outside and scapegoating people, we always miss the bull’s eye and lament for the rest of our lives.
Sometimes you screw up a situation or make a mistake so big that it costs you your relationship only, and by the time you realize it, you think it is way too late to improve it or act on it.
The right question to ask is that at what level can you not improve it? The outside level! Because you cannot force the other person into accepting your apology when he doesn’t even wanna see your face. That’s something that is not entirely in your control.
Start Rectifying your Inside World to Manage your Relationship
After all, what is more important, your outer world, or your inner world? The inner world obviously. (I mean you can’t even talk properly outside if your inside world is in ruins)
Now I know what you are gonna say, “my outer world kinda shakes up the inner world sometimes.”
Well, not really.
If you look closely, tell me is it the outer world affecting your inner world or the inner world which actually affects the outer world?
Many will answer that it’s the former, but in reality, it’s actually the latter which is true. Once you patiently come to this realization, not just because I said so, but at an experiential level, you will be left with two choices.
To let the ruckus in the outer world get the better of your inner world.
To keep your inner world safe and secured, irrespective of what’s going on outside.
Which one do you think is the better choice? But hey is it even possible? Sure it is. There is no such law that the inner world will be in pieces if anything wrong happens outside. If it is a law then it has to be true for everybody on this planet but we all know that it is not the case.
Some people celebrate break-ups. Some go into depression. One’s happy and singing and dancing while the other thinks it is the end of the world. So, what does that show us?
Don’t Let The Outside World Disturb your Inner Peace
In the outer world, there are laws that are defined and proved and are the same for everyone. But you and only you control your inner world.
You are the judge, jury, and executioner of your own self. There is no such law that if a relationship is tainted then all you have left is sorrow and misery.
You can choose to learn from whatever pathetic stupid shit you manufactured and promoted in that particular relationship and grow out of it, becoming better than before.
Do I need to tell you which is the intelligent choice here?
To get flustered and rattled in an unsuccessful attempt at changing the unchanging outer world,
To come out healthier and sturdier in a successful attempt at changing your changeable inner world. There is no limit as to how much you can change your inner self for the good (or even the bad), it’s LIMITLESS.
And how are you going to know that your inner world has changed for the better?
The moment you let go of the desire to change anything on the outside.
When you actually realize that you can’t really change your stubborn boss, your envious ex-wife, your skinflint boyfriend, your backstabbing friends, your orthodox parents, your resentful step-cousin, etc; then that is the key sign that you are a changed person.
Once you start seeing the other side of all your relationships, your encouraging boss, your supportive ex-wife, your loyal boyfriend, your supportive friends, your caring parents, your helpful step-cousin; you will start feeling blessed and that’s how you can manage your relationships better.
That is our single biggest problem, we can’t live a happy life without accepting the negatives of people.
People are not White OR Black, they are White AND Black
Even a piano takes both the white & black keys to produce a melodious rhythm. Can you achieve perfectionism in the outer world? NEVER. It’s almost impossible. Because what you want is crap. It might sound bitter but it is true.
You expect the other person to be perfect when you yourself are miles away from the vicinity of that word. If we make a mistake, we defend it. If someone else makes one, we make him remember it for the rest of his life. Don’t we all do this?
Then how in the world can you expect that you can manage your relationships??
The first step to improving your relationships starts with you. That is the first step of successfully managing your relationships and not sucking in them.
But what do we do instead? Throw everything at the other person and expect from him to make the relationship perfect. We need to get out of this delusion.